When I first tried online dating using adult chat which is https://fr.dateblocker.com/, I was 25 and had just moved to Los Angeles, didn’t have an established group of friends and didn’t know how to meet people outside. work or my fraternal life situation. LA lived up to its reputation as “hell for singles” so I figured I would give one of the (free) sites a try to see what was going on.
I did what everyone else does; I am obsessed with lighting, shading, the shape of the eyes in my profile photo, the amount of teeth visible, etc. I created a cute “About Me” section proving that I was witty, dignified, and laid back enough to want to date me. Most importantly, I focused on the true but more “normal” / non-geeky parts of my personality.
No one told me to do this; I just did it. Looking back I realized that softening some aspect of myself was something I was doing on almost every date that I had been in my twenties, whether I met the guy online or offline. I was open that I liked to talk about politics, but I kept my ability to quote entire episodes from Firefly hidden. I have listed classic literature in my favorite books, but I certainly didn’t mention Star wars or the fact that I could talk ad nauseum about Mara Jade and the larger universe.
As you might expect, not much came out of it at the time, and after a few weeks I happily began to ignore the existence of my online profile. Five years have passed, as have some short connections and an even shorter stint on Tindr. Suddenly I was at a dating stalemate again, and… you can see where this is going.
The biggest change that happened by the time I turned 30 is that I stopped caring about what other people think of me or my nerdiness, so when I filled out these online profiles intimidating for the second time, I made a conscious decision to put on my real self. over there. I answered all of the silly quiz questions as honestly as possible, chose images that showed my array of weird facial expressions and owning a Disneyland Annual Pass, and I was being honest about the things I like. Basically, I sent the nerd flag.
And then the successes started to come.
“If you are such Star wars fan, tell me what is the first line of New hope? ”
“You say you’re a nerd, but are you really?” 😉 ”
“You are a Neil Gaiman fan, but just to verify, answer these three puzzles.”
Here it is. There is the exact reason why I subconsciously hid this side of myself when I was younger.
To clarify, I don’t mind the occasional forced icebreaker of “How excited / nervous / curious are you about the news?” Star wars movie? ”or even a“ How do you think this book by Neil Gaiman compares to the work of Terry Pratchett? ”question. I LOVE talking about the new one. Star wars movie, and I need very little incentive to go on a tangent about American gods.
Being asked about something I’ve told you before that I like, however, doesn’t like you no matter how many flashy emoticons you include. It’s insulting and will always deserve automatic removal. If you’re the type of person whose first instinct is to test me on my nerd, I’m not the nerd you’re looking for.
Here’s my post: that’s why you don’t have a girlfriend.
I don’t kick you while you’re down; I mean this as real advice. I too am looking for someone who likes cheesy things. It’s not the only thing I’m looking for, but an ability to at least be open to different genres of media is an absolute must. Basically, I’m probably exactly the kind of girl you say you want, but you’re never going to get me with an attitude like that.
It’s possible that in college, high school, college, and in adult life, how other people saw you was defined by what they saw: a nerd. I’m sure it was hurtful and you felt less than you were. No one deserves this, but the reason I understand is that I was that kid too. In college, I was the chubby girl with glasses and braces eating her hair in the back of the class. I grew up from some of these things (eat your heart out on Thomas Jefferson Middle School classmates), but this girl stays with me and colors my worldview.
Here is the problem. The way you see me now is only defined by what you see: a girl. For you, I can’t be a real nerd because of what’s between my legs or because I put makeup on some of my photos. It is this type of prejudice that keeps women from entering comic book stores and away from convention. It’s not just the stereotype of ‘slutty’ cosplay, it’s the alienation from entering a community that claims to want to be accepted and then denies entry to potential members on the basis of gender.
The internet, terrifying as a cesspool it was, was something of a hidden space – though still problematic – to female nerds for a little while. We didn’t feel welcome in typical geek spaces, so we turned to the web where you could be anonymous and hide behind a neutral grip. When you’re a nerd proclaiming your love for something geeky, any disagreement with Canon is seen as a product of your boobs. When you’re a man and don’t like something in a fandom universe, you’re seen as an intellectual who just wants more of what you love.
So we women are immersed in fandoms electronically, trusting our undisclosed identities to protect ourselves from judgment. Then came Facebook and Twitter, and the Internet got “social” in a whole new way. The beauty of it is how many of us could finally step into the light, shake hands, and empathize with our views and experiences. The downside was that certain types of men were there too, ready to question us, question us, and make us feel bad for loving what we love.
I have met quite a few lovely guys who identify as geeks, dweebs, nerds or fanboys, and who have conversed with me as a person first and foremost. All I ask of you is that you think about the message you send when approaching a woman whether for romantic reasons or out of friendship. By questioning the very thing that might have drawn you to her, you’re ruining any chance of knowing if she might be interested in you the human being and not just you the nerd.
One last thing to think about: I’m a dedicated fangirl through and through, but even if she’s occasional Star wars fan included the movies under her favorites, she could have done that because she loves nerdy guys. You could be depriving yourself of a fun, lively, kind person who is looking for someone like you just because they didn’t know the answer to your silly quiz. You only hurt yourself in this scenario. I have already deleted your message.